I want to feel and acknowledge God’s love

One Sunday morning I woke up with a belief of a stomach ache, which hurt when I breathed deeply in the way that is necessary for singing. And I was scheduled to solo in church, so that was a problem. I was worried that it would prevent me from soloing. And I prayed, and what I was thinking was, I don’t just want to pacify the physical, I want to feel and acknowledge God’s love. I read the ‘Love’ version of the 23rd psalm in Science and Health, and also this quote about the city of God: “Its gates open towards light and glory both within and without, for all is good, and nothing can enter that city which ‘defileth,…or maketh a lie.’” (SH 577:24) I prayed that that’s what church is, the City of God, and therefore it’s not violable or disruptable. The city of God was right there. Soon after that, the pain disappeared. It had been getting less, but all at once it was just gone. And then it was wonderful to go straight into the service and put all my gratitude and realization of Divine Love’s presence into the solo.

Partway through last year, I had this feeling that I wanted to serve God better than I had been, but I was afraid of what would happen to me if I did. I just remembered all the persecutions that people have suffered because of doing good and was afraid. And then at the same time I would say to myself, that’s a terrible excuse! Sometimes I would find myself daydreaming about making a small life away from all the problems in the world, even though I knew that isn’t a viable way to live. I just found myself stuck in a conflict between duty and fear.

Then we took a trip to the beach, and as I looked at the sea I found myself thinking about Christ My Refuge, where it says:

‘Thus Truth engrounds me on the rock, Upon Life’s shore, ‘Gainst which the winds and waves can shock, Oh, nevermore!’

And I suddenly saw it in a new light. It really struck me that Mrs. Eddy doesn’t write about Truth putting her inland, like some homeowner prudently avoiding rising sea levels, but instead she is ‘on the Rock, upon Life’s shore.’ And then comes the part that really had me paying attention: the winds and waves can’t attack her there – ‘against which the winds and waves can shock, oh, nevermore.’ Truth puts us right on the forefront of things, but also protects us. And as I thought about that, it was clear I could let go of my fear of what would happen if I stood with Truth. It also became clear that the small, ‘safe’ alternative I had been ashamedly imagining would not leave me on solid ground, but on quicksand, and that I was very tired of it.